today i was talking to some of my frens and again we came across the topic of ns. after all what is there to do when you're a guy and you're 18.. so came across the topic of ocs and what not and i found myself saying, in a nutshell, the following:

i've been out of service for 3weeks plus due to an operation, seems like the wound is healing well but still itchy if i walk to long or sweat. after all it's an open wound. and i've got a letter recommended by the doctor to let me hav mc for another period of time till the wound fully heals. here's the thing, because i missed certain events due to hospitalization and the operation, naturally i did not get posted to command school. and of course i can blame no one. the mindset that i have on right now is whether i should just do the bare minimum since im no longer en route to becoming a sergeant or an officer or should I just continue to do my best in my vocation. certainly taking mc for another period of time seems very very tempting, and there's no doubt about it. but what's been bugging me is that i've never had this mindset before.

i'm being bugged by the fact that i hardly used to just think of slacking off everything. otherwise i would have quit band in sec 1 lol. to me now, it's as if just because im not in a position of power, i should slack because i dont like to be in the middle of nowhere. i attribute it to being disillusioned during bmt. where many people cant tell the very fine but stark difference between being resilient, having a fighting spirit and knowing how to listen to your own body. the first day was marked with safety and every event we did had safety as first priority. yet just because a lot of people report sick for the same reason does not equate to everyone being a slacker. and i know this because i trust in my friends to not lie about their condition, yet those who were supposed to command us could not tell real cases and fake cases apart. and even if it was hard to tell us apart, there surely could be a benefit of doubt given since this jolly well concerns a person's future health and well being. i attribute this whole experience i had to make me reconsider whether i should still do my best for people who dont even bother to differentiate "chaokeng" and real cases. partly i must admit that i want to slack of just because im not in that position of power. im not refuting anything on that. i know of myself to be the type who would do better if placed in a position of power. it just feels like you can do something about it and in the army context, all the more true it is. a private's word against a lieutenant. who wins?

if you've read thru that incoherent junk on top, thanks. and i just hope u dont think im some power hungry bastard. i just want to relook at the way im thinking and see if it's justified. should i give my all now?